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Collection of Hot and Cute Aunty
I am an Indian girl studying in a college in Delhi. Let me begin by saying that I am "very easy to date". I socialize, interact with people, have loads of male friends, make the first move and have dated many guys. And I have broken up with guys and guys have broken up with me too. I move on and am honest about everything I do and feel. Neither do I get dependent on the person I am with nor do I cry and crib if they leave.
I study in a college which treated me well initially. I was popular. People liked me, asked me out, became friends with me. It did not make me uncomfortable. I was just fine with it. I never restrained myself. I did not shun anyone rudely. I did not refrain from being comfortable with guys. I did not hide my relationships.
And then things changed. I was labelled a whore, by girls and boys alike. Because, I "dated".
People used to call me a slut because I used to accept their friend requests on Facebook without being good friends with them. Incidentally, Facebook is a "social network" that is meant for connecting better with people. But apparently only a girl with a loose character can add people from her own college!! And of course, if a girl who is your batchmate, with whom you have 60 mutual friends has added you, it means "Come have sex with me because I am really promiscuous." In no way does she mean that she trusts your maturity and finds it worth staying in touch with the so called ignited minds of the country!!
I thought that like the popularity, the infamy would not affect me either. But it did. I used to cry. I decided to withdraw. At a point of time, I actually started doubting my own dignity. Had I actually compromised it? I stopped interacting with people. I am not on Facebook. And I no more feel like going out with anyone. Because I am tired of getting disappointed (from the reaction it generates from those around me). I am not open to dating anymore.
I realized that I had probably been wrong. Not because of my actions or lifestyle. But because of expecting more from the people around me, than they are prepared to deliver.
Our society is simply not ready for things like dating. It boasts of being modern. It is not. It judges, labels, concludes. Things like dating, sex and girls like me send a shiver down the spine of this society, which ironically, has proven to be spineless. It squirms at the thought of accepting sexuality.
I live in an environment where my dignity is thought to be less than the dignity of the girls who are not comfortable around guys. Those girls are said to be delicate, shy, pious and they deserve respect. Maybe they are. It is their way of life and it is perfectly fine. But my way of life, which is harmless but different, is blasphemy. My dignity can be compromised. People think it is okay if I am eve-teased, because I should be ready to take it. They think it is just okay to disrespect me. Because that is what I command. They confuse "easy to date" with "easy to rape".
I do not blame them. This is how we are. Our stability gets disturbed when we move towards unconventional ways. It will take years for us to change. Maybe we never will.
So the answer to your question lies in re-framing it. It is not difficult to date an Indian "girl". It is difficult to date a girl in "India".
P.S. I DO NOT think that this is all about gender discrimination. It is deeper than that. It is not merely a bias. It is a mentality.
I study in a college which treated me well initially. I was popular. People liked me, asked me out, became friends with me. It did not make me uncomfortable. I was just fine with it. I never restrained myself. I did not shun anyone rudely. I did not refrain from being comfortable with guys. I did not hide my relationships.
And then things changed. I was labelled a whore, by girls and boys alike. Because, I "dated".
People used to call me a slut because I used to accept their friend requests on Facebook without being good friends with them. Incidentally, Facebook is a "social network" that is meant for connecting better with people. But apparently only a girl with a loose character can add people from her own college!! And of course, if a girl who is your batchmate, with whom you have 60 mutual friends has added you, it means "Come have sex with me because I am really promiscuous." In no way does she mean that she trusts your maturity and finds it worth staying in touch with the so called ignited minds of the country!!
I thought that like the popularity, the infamy would not affect me either. But it did. I used to cry. I decided to withdraw. At a point of time, I actually started doubting my own dignity. Had I actually compromised it? I stopped interacting with people. I am not on Facebook. And I no more feel like going out with anyone. Because I am tired of getting disappointed (from the reaction it generates from those around me). I am not open to dating anymore.
I realized that I had probably been wrong. Not because of my actions or lifestyle. But because of expecting more from the people around me, than they are prepared to deliver.
Our society is simply not ready for things like dating. It boasts of being modern. It is not. It judges, labels, concludes. Things like dating, sex and girls like me send a shiver down the spine of this society, which ironically, has proven to be spineless. It squirms at the thought of accepting sexuality.
I live in an environment where my dignity is thought to be less than the dignity of the girls who are not comfortable around guys. Those girls are said to be delicate, shy, pious and they deserve respect. Maybe they are. It is their way of life and it is perfectly fine. But my way of life, which is harmless but different, is blasphemy. My dignity can be compromised. People think it is okay if I am eve-teased, because I should be ready to take it. They think it is just okay to disrespect me. Because that is what I command. They confuse "easy to date" with "easy to rape".
I do not blame them. This is how we are. Our stability gets disturbed when we move towards unconventional ways. It will take years for us to change. Maybe we never will.
So the answer to your question lies in re-framing it. It is not difficult to date an Indian "girl". It is difficult to date a girl in "India".
P.S. I DO NOT think that this is all about gender discrimination. It is deeper than that. It is not merely a bias. It is a mentality.
First of all, FIR is a police report in India, and it stands for First Information Report.
So I just got home after a GRUELLING day.
I have some knee problems these days. I went to see a specialist. He saw my X-ray report and recommended a few exercises, along with meds and told me to come back in two weeks.
My mother was there with me, and she suffers from arthritis. She was getting her diagnosis, while I was already free.
I saw this doctor, she looked nice. I didn't approach her, for her colleagues and patients were all around her. We had a good eye contact a couple of times. My Mom told me that it'd take her a few more minutes, and I encouraged her to take her time.
In about 15 minutes, this doctor, this woman... she got out of her room and walked towards the stairs. I followed her, and basically asked her to stop.
Me: Stop
She: Yes?
Me: We should get together this weekend.
Her: Why?
Me: We'll have fun. Maybe get a cup of coffee or something!
Her: Get lost...
I walked away and sat down on the sofa, waiting for my Mom to come back.
In a few minutes, the chief of security asked me to step into his office. I went there. The woman had apparently complained that I had harassed her. Her boss, the senior doctor (SD) was also there.
SD: What did you say to her?
Me: To who?
SD: To her... (pointing to her)
Me: What's it to you?
SD: I'll tell what it is to me you punk. I'll call the cops.
Me: I merely asked her out, she said no, and I walked away.
SD: (To his security staff) Don't let him go.
So I went back and sat on my chair. In a couple minutes, my Mom stepped into the room, and signaled that she was ready to leave. We left, but since my knees were hurting, I didn't walk fast. In less than 30 seconds, almost 30 security people surrounded me, four or five jumped me, and forcefully dragged me back in.
At this point, my Mom went berserk. She started crying and begging and pleading. She didn't know what the deal was. She started crying hysterically. With all that commotion, all eyes were on me. I could literally feel the heat of hatred from all those eyeballs, but I thought to myself, "No matter. I didn't do anything wrong."
In that dragging, my shirt got torn too.
Whatever.
I went back inside, and sought to speak to some senior doctor. I thought maybe the SD I had spoken to earlier might want to reason. But upon seeing me, he told me that he'd destroy me. His words, not mine.
My mother is crying and begging now, at this point. She tells me to apologize. I say, "Look I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. But if I stepped over any toes or crossed any lines, then I apologize. I didn't mean to disrespect anyone."
The police arrive. Some Policemen. They ask me what happened. Then they ask the girl what happened. I don't know what she told them. I told them exactly what had happened, and I was pretty sure that they'd side with me seeing as how nothing really had happened.
Lo and behold, the policemen sided with the doctors. What's more, some of her friends step in (as I was later told) and told the cops that I had been "eyeballing" other women too.
Indian Government have started a woman's helpline, where any woman can seek help if she is being molested. This happened right after the brutal Delhi rape case a couple months ago. Apparently, she (or the SD) had called up that helpline and told them that I had harassed her, molested her, touched her and held her hand. I know I didn't even go for a hand shake.
They were now waiting for the "victim's" husband and father to arrive to file an FIR. My mother was going berserk seeking forgiveness. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I tried to tell my Mom to leave, and to let me take care of it, but even she started blaming me for being an asshole. Whatever!
So I just got home after a GRUELLING day.
I have some knee problems these days. I went to see a specialist. He saw my X-ray report and recommended a few exercises, along with meds and told me to come back in two weeks.
My mother was there with me, and she suffers from arthritis. She was getting her diagnosis, while I was already free.
I saw this doctor, she looked nice. I didn't approach her, for her colleagues and patients were all around her. We had a good eye contact a couple of times. My Mom told me that it'd take her a few more minutes, and I encouraged her to take her time.
In about 15 minutes, this doctor, this woman... she got out of her room and walked towards the stairs. I followed her, and basically asked her to stop.
Me: Stop
She: Yes?
Me: We should get together this weekend.
Her: Why?
Me: We'll have fun. Maybe get a cup of coffee or something!
Her: Get lost...
I walked away and sat down on the sofa, waiting for my Mom to come back.
In a few minutes, the chief of security asked me to step into his office. I went there. The woman had apparently complained that I had harassed her. Her boss, the senior doctor (SD) was also there.
SD: What did you say to her?
Me: To who?
SD: To her... (pointing to her)
Me: What's it to you?
SD: I'll tell what it is to me you punk. I'll call the cops.
Me: I merely asked her out, she said no, and I walked away.
SD: (To his security staff) Don't let him go.
So I went back and sat on my chair. In a couple minutes, my Mom stepped into the room, and signaled that she was ready to leave. We left, but since my knees were hurting, I didn't walk fast. In less than 30 seconds, almost 30 security people surrounded me, four or five jumped me, and forcefully dragged me back in.
At this point, my Mom went berserk. She started crying and begging and pleading. She didn't know what the deal was. She started crying hysterically. With all that commotion, all eyes were on me. I could literally feel the heat of hatred from all those eyeballs, but I thought to myself, "No matter. I didn't do anything wrong."
In that dragging, my shirt got torn too.
Whatever.
I went back inside, and sought to speak to some senior doctor. I thought maybe the SD I had spoken to earlier might want to reason. But upon seeing me, he told me that he'd destroy me. His words, not mine.
My mother is crying and begging now, at this point. She tells me to apologize. I say, "Look I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. But if I stepped over any toes or crossed any lines, then I apologize. I didn't mean to disrespect anyone."
The police arrive. Some Policemen. They ask me what happened. Then they ask the girl what happened. I don't know what she told them. I told them exactly what had happened, and I was pretty sure that they'd side with me seeing as how nothing really had happened.
Lo and behold, the policemen sided with the doctors. What's more, some of her friends step in (as I was later told) and told the cops that I had been "eyeballing" other women too.
Indian Government have started a woman's helpline, where any woman can seek help if she is being molested. This happened right after the brutal Delhi rape case a couple months ago. Apparently, she (or the SD) had called up that helpline and told them that I had harassed her, molested her, touched her and held her hand. I know I didn't even go for a hand shake.
They were now waiting for the "victim's" husband and father to arrive to file an FIR. My mother was going berserk seeking forgiveness. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I tried to tell my Mom to leave, and to let me take care of it, but even she started blaming me for being an asshole. Whatever!
You can't go too slow, you'll be ignored.
You can't care too much, she'll be annoyed
You can't not care, you'll be friend zoned.
You can't give her too many signals, "she consider you as a friend"
You can't give too less, of course because "You don't consider her just as a friend"
You can't call/text her every now and then, she wants her space,
You can't just not call her and wait for her to call, she won't, ever.
You can't care too much, she'll be annoyed
You can't not care, you'll be friend zoned.
You can't give her too many signals, "she consider you as a friend"
You can't give too less, of course because "You don't consider her just as a friend"
You can't call/text her every now and then, she wants her space,
You can't just not call her and wait for her to call, she won't, ever.
- Dating while living with parents or under your parents control (Monetary or emotionally)
- Dating when the expectation of 'true love' knows no bound (Courtesy Bollywood movies)
- Dating when experimentation of any kind is frowned upon and that's what dating is, experimenting the compatibility with the opposite sex
Our society as a whole lacks maturity to deal with issues of dating or flirting or even talking with the opposite sex!!! Sad but true!!!
We, while wanting to break norms and inculcate the lifestyle of the West are unable to break the mold completely and then, run around like chickens with their heads cut off....
Supply & Demand:
For every 100 guys there are only 90 girls. So, by design 1 out of every 10 guys will stay single in a 1:1 marriage structure. Since this process is random, almost every guy is desperate to get their girl. Desperation is never a good thing for dating.
Information asymmetry
Guys want attractive girls, girls want stable/strong guys. This is the human nature that we evolved over 1000s of years. In modern context, the strong guy is one who can run the family well for decades and able to look after the family, both financially & psychologically. This is the type of guy women historically want.
At 20, girls could show their attractive ability, but there is no way for the boy to show their financial/mental stability. This means that while guys chase girls in the college, the girls have very few data points to validate whether you will turn out to be the stable, family guy who can take her through the tough times of her life.
Monopolistic Markets:
In many work environments, attractive, single girls are an endangered species. This occurs due to
Thus, by the time they get to your workplace, they are no longer single.
In programming, finance or research, where Indian guys frequent, girls are rare.Thus, a single & attractive girl in such a market can display monopolistic tendency. This can substantially affect the pricing structures of interpersonal relationships.Just like how Apple fanboys wait in lines for their newest iPhone, Indian guys are desperate to court this rare breed of girls.
Incentive Structures & Illiquid Markets:
In Western societies, if you don't date you stay single. There is a pressing need to date. In India, dating is an option. If you don't date, you can still get the girl with the same probability of "with dating". Thus, there is not enough incentive for many people to date. Without enough liquidity in the market, the market can get crazy.
Market Psychology & Regulatory Framework:
Indian mainstream society is very much against dating. The laws are designed to capture those into love affairs in public places. Sometimes these can be draconian.
Marginal Utility:
When you are given 10 chocolates, the 10th one might not taste as nice as the first one. Because by that time you are already well stuffed and things start tasting bitter. This is the case for Indian girls. Many of them receive so many "proposals" that it no longer gives them enough happiness. For them, the joy of courtship is usually gone due to the flooding of proposals.
Commoditization
Continuing from previous point, your proposal might look sweet for you, but not for them as they are stuffed with sweets already. Thus, as a guy you should stop being a chocolate and maybe provide enough product differentiation, like say Namkeen or Chips? Think different.
For every 100 guys there are only 90 girls. So, by design 1 out of every 10 guys will stay single in a 1:1 marriage structure. Since this process is random, almost every guy is desperate to get their girl. Desperation is never a good thing for dating.
Information asymmetry
Guys want attractive girls, girls want stable/strong guys. This is the human nature that we evolved over 1000s of years. In modern context, the strong guy is one who can run the family well for decades and able to look after the family, both financially & psychologically. This is the type of guy women historically want.
At 20, girls could show their attractive ability, but there is no way for the boy to show their financial/mental stability. This means that while guys chase girls in the college, the girls have very few data points to validate whether you will turn out to be the stable, family guy who can take her through the tough times of her life.
Monopolistic Markets:
In many work environments, attractive, single girls are an endangered species. This occurs due to
- Many geeky places are not female friendly, leading to lower women recruiting and there is a strong feedback loop here.
- Most girls get married/engaged within 2-3 years after graduation.
- Divorce and remarriage is uncommon in India..
Thus, by the time they get to your workplace, they are no longer single.
In programming, finance or research, where Indian guys frequent, girls are rare.Thus, a single & attractive girl in such a market can display monopolistic tendency. This can substantially affect the pricing structures of interpersonal relationships.Just like how Apple fanboys wait in lines for their newest iPhone, Indian guys are desperate to court this rare breed of girls.
Incentive Structures & Illiquid Markets:
In Western societies, if you don't date you stay single. There is a pressing need to date. In India, dating is an option. If you don't date, you can still get the girl with the same probability of "with dating". Thus, there is not enough incentive for many people to date. Without enough liquidity in the market, the market can get crazy.
Market Psychology & Regulatory Framework:
Indian mainstream society is very much against dating. The laws are designed to capture those into love affairs in public places. Sometimes these can be draconian.
Marginal Utility:
When you are given 10 chocolates, the 10th one might not taste as nice as the first one. Because by that time you are already well stuffed and things start tasting bitter. This is the case for Indian girls. Many of them receive so many "proposals" that it no longer gives them enough happiness. For them, the joy of courtship is usually gone due to the flooding of proposals.
Commoditization
Continuing from previous point, your proposal might look sweet for you, but not for them as they are stuffed with sweets already. Thus, as a guy you should stop being a chocolate and maybe provide enough product differentiation, like say Namkeen or Chips? Think different.
Ah, such a vague question, such long answers. I'll try to keep it short.
It's difficult to get an Indian girl to date you (refer to Bharat's comment to the question) because she:
a. Sees you as Schrodinger's Rapist, having received many lustful gropes, stares and even propositions in the past (read Antariksh Bothale's answer to India: What does it feel like to be a well behaved Indian guy and be subjected to umbrella statements about your gender?)
b. is scared of being judged (as Aparajita Sharma explains well)
... and most importantly,
c. is out of your league
I'll explain the last one in brief.
What kind of girl would you want to "date"? She is typically a popular, good-looking, smart, outgoing girl who has caught your attention. You see her (like hundreds do) at social events getting the maximum amount of male attention. She is at the receiving end of dozens of proposals (and scores of incidents of harassment) every week. Of course she turns most of them down.
The typical Indian male is high on male superiority crap fed to him by prevailing misogyny and objectification. This conditioning, sometimes subtle and often open, happens at home, at the movies, and in Honey Singh songs. He feels entitled to the girl (yes, not to date the girl to entitled to be with her, he feels entitled to her).
Now this kind of feeling is subconscious in most cases, and can be observed not just in violent sexual crime, but much more commonly in the stab of anger you feel when you see her laughing with another guy. "That bloody slut", you think for the most fleeting of moments, differentiating your anger from jealousy, which would be more justifiable.
On the other hand, the typical Indian woman suppresses her desires to date guys, because she's scared of a. and b. mentioned above. She convinces herself that it's a bad idea to want it (read When women ask for it: Veena Venugopal - revealing and very interesting), and also tends to keep quiet in general. Basically, Indian girls are less likely to say 'yes' to you for these reason. The probability is reduced if she's a popular and good-looking one, but that's universal.
Because Indian men are much more prone to expressing their desire to 'date' a woman than the other way round, and such women are in general highly sought-after, the girls in question are statistically 'difficult to get'.
Don't feel bad. Of the 100 guys chasing after Her, 98 others will draw a blank as well.
It's difficult to get an Indian girl to date you (refer to Bharat's comment to the question) because she:
a. Sees you as Schrodinger's Rapist, having received many lustful gropes, stares and even propositions in the past (read Antariksh Bothale's answer to India: What does it feel like to be a well behaved Indian guy and be subjected to umbrella statements about your gender?)
b. is scared of being judged (as Aparajita Sharma explains well)
... and most importantly,
c. is out of your league
I'll explain the last one in brief.
What kind of girl would you want to "date"? She is typically a popular, good-looking, smart, outgoing girl who has caught your attention. You see her (like hundreds do) at social events getting the maximum amount of male attention. She is at the receiving end of dozens of proposals (and scores of incidents of harassment) every week. Of course she turns most of them down.
The typical Indian male is high on male superiority crap fed to him by prevailing misogyny and objectification. This conditioning, sometimes subtle and often open, happens at home, at the movies, and in Honey Singh songs. He feels entitled to the girl (yes, not to date the girl to entitled to be with her, he feels entitled to her).
Now this kind of feeling is subconscious in most cases, and can be observed not just in violent sexual crime, but much more commonly in the stab of anger you feel when you see her laughing with another guy. "That bloody slut", you think for the most fleeting of moments, differentiating your anger from jealousy, which would be more justifiable.
On the other hand, the typical Indian woman suppresses her desires to date guys, because she's scared of a. and b. mentioned above. She convinces herself that it's a bad idea to want it (read When women ask for it: Veena Venugopal - revealing and very interesting), and also tends to keep quiet in general. Basically, Indian girls are less likely to say 'yes' to you for these reason. The probability is reduced if she's a popular and good-looking one, but that's universal.
Because Indian men are much more prone to expressing their desire to 'date' a woman than the other way round, and such women are in general highly sought-after, the girls in question are statistically 'difficult to get'.
Don't feel bad. Of the 100 guys chasing after Her, 98 others will draw a blank as well.
- In many parts of India, family still continues to be the decisive authority in issues relating to marriage. Moreover previous generations are bound to the traditional values of intra-religion, intra-caste marriage.
- If children began dating amongst themselves amounting to love marriages, the odds that these caste/religion constraints would be satisfied is low. Therefore families ask their children "to focus on their study/work" and not "loaf around with opposite gender" ensuring arrange marriages eventually.
- A noteworthy thing is boys are advised against dating as much as girls are against it by their parents. Most boys save the girl's contact numbers in their phones under some pseudonyms so that their "family doesn't suspect".
- If asked by parents, children have to constantly apply rhetoric of "just friends".
- In essence if a relationship is to be pursued before marriage, in most cases it'sshrouded in secrecy from the elder generation until it reaches the blossoming stages of marriage.
- It doesn't end at family. Our neighbours are pretty loud-mouthed as well. So on being seen by an acquaintance along with a girl, news will definitely reach the family in subtler forms indicating "child is slipping out of control".
- When through "such sources" news reaches family ears, they realize they must rush & start finding brides/grooms for their child.
- Unable to fight with their parents, the children have to break-up with their partners thus disappointing the relationship & get married elsewhere.
- Since relationships before marriage is a new concept India is grappling with, relationships necessarily mean marriage for even the children. If it doesn't amount to the same, the party who got "dumped" feels cheated. Therefore they move into a relationship only when they're assured it will end in marriage.
- Dating without being in relationship is even more incomprehensible here. So they date when they know it's a relationship (eventually meaning marriage)
- These affect the girls more. Suppose a gossip-inclined person reveals a relationship started in secrecy, the girl is likelier to called a slut and shamed. Somehow family reputation gets muddled in all these things and the fact that their daughter was "going out" will leave the family "with no face to show".
- In case a thriving relationship involving sex breaks eventually before marriage. Both parties would have lost their virginity but it would become a bigger issue for girl as she is less likelier to find a suitor who is above immaterial stuff like virginity. (India: Do you expect your wife to be a virgin? Read wonderful answers & comments to get a balanced picture of societal mentality)
- If the relationship is made public, society (family, those uncle/aunts) start expecting marriage. If that doesn't happen, lots of slandering follows speaking of the "bad character" of their children- more so for girls.
Due to all these factors, children have to be exceedingly cautious while dating for adhering to the family's expectations while avoiding sending 'wrong signals' to the society damaging their family's reputation from nowhere.
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